Improving the Olympics

With the Olympics over and the Para-Olympics about to start, I can’t help feeling bored with the achievements of the athletes. Sure it was impressive when Chinese Ye Shiwen beat the crap out of her competitors with the all-asian-awesomeness (or potentially boosted by a little pharmaceutical assistance) and when the Jamaican Usain Bolt beat the entire field with enough of a margin for him to get out his Smartphone and tweet about his victory before the others finished, I was still bored. Doping accusations were rampant (and added to the de facto boredom of the event). The person won, but might be stripped of their medal 2 days later. Why would you risk everything for measly 0.6 sec lead? I know it’s the difference between silver and glorious gold, but why risk the shame and being socially ousted as a cheater for the rest of your life?

To fix this, and make me pay attention to more than the opening ceremony, I propose that we create the almost-anything-goes Olympics, also known as the Bio enhanced Human Olympics.

The rules: 

No classes; everyone competes with everyone. Women vs. men vs. handicapped vs. transgendered etc. If the Olympics are so pro equality between people, then double paraplegic South African Oscar Pistorius should be able to run against both British Johnnie Peacock. Likewise any athletes should be allowed to tweak his/her/its biological makeup in any way he/she/it desires.

Which leads me to rule no.2:

Bio-enhancements; any bio-enhancements that the athlete deems necessary to compete are allowed. Doping yourself with steroids to build more muscle? Sure. Inserting an automated injection implant in your arm to flood your system with adrenalin? Why not. Want to remove those pesky genital and flatten your scull to become lighter and more aerodynamic? Have fun with that. Want to transplant organs or limbs from other humans or animals to make you “better”? Go for it.

Which leads me to rule no.3:

The 24 hour rule; any contestant must survive for at least 24 hours after the event to keep his/her/its medal. If the athlete wants to sacrifice their future to win now, then be my guest. Think of the opportunities for post-event reality shows, documentaries and endorsements.

Reporter: “So Terry… You won the Olympic wrestling in 2016. How do you feel about your achievement today after your transplanted arms, legs and fangs, plus the grafted reptile skin has rotted away leaving you a husk of a man?”.

Man on life support: “garrlll… Prooooud! Heeelpppp….”


Reporter: “So Louise… Congratulations on winning the marathon again. My my… Covering those 42,195 in less than an hour is quite an achievement.  How did you do it and did that new injector from (insert name brand company here) help?”

Louise then, after injecting the wrong stimulant, goes mental, beats the reporter to an inch of losing consciousness and just when she attempts to eat him, the screen cuts to commercial.

I dislike reality TV, but seriously…. I would watch that. Which leads me to rule no.4.

Achievements; If you have no chance of winning, then why not have some fun. Like any computer game whether on the Xbox, iPhone or PC, they all have achievements, i.e. little tasks within the games that you can indulge in for fun or extra points. Why not have the contestants try to run with their eyes closed to get the “Three Blind Mice” achievement in the 800 meter dash, or having the cyclist do donuts to get the “I’m spinning I´M SPINNING” achievement.

So here is my wish list for the 2016 Olympics, should they implement the rules above.

I want to see a giant female wrestler sporting gorilla arms and genetically modified big feet going toe to toe with male wrestler with artificial arms and claws on his toes, but with a 150 pounds disadvantage.

I want to see a swimming event where people with webbed appendages and auto adrenal injectors in their backs swim so fast that their combined wakes push the other competitors out of the water.

I want to see a hybrid man and horse, a modern centaur really, competing in the Equestrian and afterwards argue that he/it is the only real synergetic relationship between man and beast and whinnying in dismay at the reporter’s questions.

And I want to see the entire field giving up trying to catch Usain and going for any achievement their can i.e. watching eight runners try to finish with their eyes closed smacking into each other, the staff and the stadium walls.

That is how I would improve the Olympics. But what do you think? Please post a comment or observation on why or why not you think the Olympics rocks and how you would improve it.

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