As it so often happens life has taken a stroll down cough-cough-sneeze-sneeze lane, so the articles I am working on have taken a back-seat in favour of hot tea, tissues, x-box and staring into the middle distance. I hope to be well enough to finish off a bunch of stuff for the coming weeks and keep up consistent output on this blog.
Also, the content of this blog will change ever so slightly to focusing on three things:
- Books, reading and writing (as always)
- Running and training (and the narratives we build around it)
- Scepticism (as I am mega-super-duper sceptical of shit)
By focusing on those topics exclusively I hope to increase my output and your enjoyment, in time. For now…. I didn’t want you to come here for nothing, so here comes the entertaining bit.
It’s always fun to imagine how the machinations of our favourite authors will, could or might have manifested themselves. Fanfic often goes down this route of re-imagining scenarios to play out. My addled brain took on the task of figuring out where the beloved Harry Potter franchise would go, since it’s clear Harry will need some time to process the events of his childhood and adolescence. The 8 books of the Adventures of Harry Potter the Maladjusted Adult series starts with Harry’s turning to “other means” to deal with his anxiety.
Book 1: Harry Potter and the Stoned Unemployment Period
After returning home to the muggle world, Harry strikes out on his own, renting a small flat in North London, and indulging in various forms of decadent behaviour, while dealing with traumas of his childhood, the unemployment system and adult life he is fully unequipped for.
Book 2: Harry Potter and the Internship Chamber
Harry, after deciding to stay among muggles, gets an internship at a large tech company. Largely the story is little different from any other narrative set in a large office space with cubicles and little space for individuality.
Book 3: Harry Potter and the Post-its Revolution
After having remained useful enough in the company to make it a year, Harry tries to reinvent the management planning sessions by using his recent discovery of coloured post-its, whiteboards and buzzwords.
Book 4: Harry Potter and the Office Attire Incident
Harry having been promoted, is chastised for being too lax with his choice in wardrobe. A journey into bespoke clothing ensues, before Harry realises that out-dandying his boss is less than a viable career strategy.
Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Office Supplies
Following the subsequent demotion within the company, we follow Harry as he desperately tries to remain employed during the financial crisis, getting help from a group know only as the Order of the Office Supplies.
Book 6: Harry Potter and the Ugly Cousin that Needs a Job
Dudley Dursley makes an appearance in book six. After serving time for assault and petty theft, Dudley begs Harry to get him a job within the company. When various appliances go missing, Harry must fight to keep his job, and find a suitable scapegoat for Dudley’s indiscretions.
Book 7: Harry Potter and the Deathly Sexual Harassment Lawsuit
Finally having job security, Harry engages in a bit of inter-office fraternisation with a new intern. Unknown to him, the girl is the boss’s daughter, and their office romance takes a turn for the worse when they’re discovered naked on the boss’s desk. A sticky situation indeed. This book is also know as Harry Potter and the She-who-must-not-be-touched.
Book 8 (the extra insight): Harry Potter and the Inevitable Mental Breakdown and Admission the Broadmoor Hospital for Treatment of his Childhood Delusions
Harry Potter, after keeping his shit together for 7 books, breaks down and gets admitted to a psychiatric institution for treatment, after claiming that magic is real in front of his colleagues, yet failing to perform the Patronus charm even once.
So… In summary: Harry Potter needs a post-Hogwarts life series that is more optimistic than my vision above, this blog will change but its great, and I’m sick but getting better. Now, if you will excuse me. I need to refresh my tea with rum and boot up the Kindle again since I can see the actual letters now.
But what do you think? Sniff sniff. Let me know.
Next post will be up on Monday the 23rd of February (around 16:00 GMT).